I want to state that SFKBC loves all of the participants, as well as the readers of this blog. That said: if you didn’t go to kickball yesterday you should attach four wheels to your person and drive off of a cliff. Do you think that statement doesn’t make sense? Check this out: IGNORING FUN doesn’t make sense.  Sun, fun, multiple drinking contests, and competent adults playing a children’s game in the glorious splendor of Golden Gate Park’s rolling hills, and you didn’t go? What are you, a masochist? Apologies to any SFKBC members who could not go because they are, in fact, incarcerated in one of California’s several state prisons. We still love you, Vince and Sharon!*

The two teams that played were, unsurprisingly, very good-looking.

Team Name: Poison Bunnies (I don’t remember what the first word of their team name was, so I’m guessing it’s this. Happy Monday!).

Attributes: Being poisonous, sacrificing one kickball into the cavernous maw of a pitbull, absolutely destroying the other team in a drink-off, able to name Pi to the thirteenth digit.

Weaknesses: Entire team rendered temporarily blind by a chemical explosion triggered by the other team, allergic to dogs/air, whole team almost consistently keening and wailing at a somewhat uncomfortable volume.

Team Name: Let Them Eat Napalm

Attributes: Ability to completely blend in with surroundings when startled, multiple team members with more than two legs, winning morale in the face of complete annihilation, ability to physically ingest napalm with no medicinal complications or repercussions.

Weaknesses: Scoring in kickball games, horrific and all-consuming Vicodin addiction.

The Summation: Look, I really like kickball for meeting people, not really for the thrill of the sport or whatever catchphrase some ESPN announcer breathlessly affirms while men run around in tights. That said, my team really got their asses handed to them. I say “my team” with a grain of salt because I put in what I believe is one of the most minimal increments of effort for the game (I kicked once, zero outfield participation). MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

Dear Diary,
I, Jared, resolve to put in much more team effort next Sunday. I’m sorry to all who I disappointed. Sorry, everyone. Sorry, God. And this last sorry goes out to my parents, since their child should have been completing his resume or doing charity work or something instead of spending my sunny afternoon screaming at people I call friends and overall being socially irresponsible/non-contributing.

As usual, the ultimate merit of the game was meeting people. I hope you met someone special.

Thank you: To the four lads who we corralled from one side of the field without knowing them. I’d like to think they enjoyed themselves. Thank you, as usual, to Jordan for lugging out 1 million beers to the field and returning with 2, and Arvind for kicking what I believe was the first awesome home run of the season, or at least the game on Sunday.

NO THANKS: To Shawn for asking me to come out to the outfield for an inning, then choosing Cameron and telling me that we had too many players on the field and I had to leave. I’m going to hold onto my anger regarding that moment, Shawn, and I’m going to cultivate it and make it strong. And then I’m going to walk the two blocks from my house to your house and I’m going to put your hand in a bowl of warm water while you sleep so you wet the bed and then also murder you with a bat.

Also, no thanks to Dean for pitching so well that he made my life difficult for an agonizing 3 minutes or so.

As usual, the schedule for our next game is available on this site, and we do truly thank every person that comes to the games. Remember: the beer ain’t free, so don’t forget to slyly slip Jordan some money while you’re there, much as you would do to a stripper, but more sensually. If you take photos of the event, tag them on Flickr with “SFKBC”. And there is, of course, the Facebook group.

As always, absolutely everyone is welcome to these games, so please come, and bring a friend, and bring a friend’s friend and so on until there is literally no space on the field left to move. Then, look up at the sun and thank yourself for being such a good person. See you all next Sunday!

Jared

*no one, to our knowledge, from SFKBC is in jail. I certainly will be, though, if I go through with my plan for Shawn.